Andrew Jackson: American Lion (and Bloodthirsty Old Guy)

You might know our 7th president as a hero during the War of 1812, as an influential politician who had a massive impact on the Democratic party, or at least as the guy on the 20-dollar bill. He was also batshit crazy, and enjoyed violencing the hell out of anyone and anything he could find.

For example, his slightly-less-than-badass nickname, “Old Hickory,” actually comes from the fact that he enjoyed beating people senseless with his hickory cane.

He probably ended up beating the bejesus out of his painter for not making his cane wide enough.

By the way, he’s also really famous for commanding the army that won the Battle of New Orleans, during the War of 1812. Some historians try to say he won that battle because of a whole bunch of reasons, including the possibility that a miracle occurred. But I say nay, nay. I say he won… because he had pirates on his side. Baratarian Pirates, to be exact, and here’s one of the first images that comes up on Google Images when you search that term:


What the hell do you do when you’re fighting pirates?! You crap yourself and run away, that’s what.

Allying yourself with pirates is certainly enough to cross that line into badassery, but Jackson didn’t even have time to look as he sprinted past it. See, this man was also engaged in at least 13 duels throughout his lifetime. Dueling, for those of you who don’t know, is an activity where a person voluntarily puts his life in immediate danger by granting someone else permission to shoot at him. And personally, I am of the humble opinion that 13 times is too about 17 times too many for such a pursuit. Then again, I’m not on the 20 dollar bill.

Actually, in one of those duels, Jackson gave his opponent the first shot. …Jackson gave his opponent, someone trying to kill him, the first shot. I repeated that just to emphasize the fact that Jackson’s balls were made of pure steel and could probably be used as weapons on their own.

Not pictured: well, you know.

His opponent, who’s a marksman by the way, takes the first shot, and hits Jackson square in the chest about an inch away from his heart. Without even flinching, Jackson shoots him back in the face. Because that’s the kind of shit he did.

So Jackson has fought alongside pirates, and roundhouse kicked death in the face at least 13 times. Well, fourteen:

He was also the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. Some total dickhead pulled a pistol on him and tried to shoot him, but it misfired, and then he pulled a back-up pistol and tried to shoot him again, but that one misfired too. Rather than hiding behind his aides like any normal human would be tempted to do, 67-year old Andrew Jackson just strode up to his pathetic, would-be killer, and started beating the hell out of him with his cane. His aides had to pull him off.

I’m not really sure how to wrap this post up so… here’s a picture of what I imagine Andrew Jackson looked like when he was mad:


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