How the hell are sloths not extinct yet?

Charles Darwin obviously never saw a sloth. Because if he did, he would’ve kicked himself in the balls at the thought that that was the survivor, the fighter, the fittest animal nature could design. If that’s the best evolution can do, I think we’re better off with a God who just doesn’t give two shits about what happens down here.

The crowning glory of millions of years of evolution: an ugly, homeless ape.

Seriously though, have you ever seen a sloth move? No, you haven’t. Because they’re so mind-bogglingly slow, any movement is basically imperceptible. Can you guess what a three-toed sloth’s high speed is? 0.14 miles per hour. That thing’s like a retarded turtle that’s been loaded with depressants and covered with fur.

"Well, it crawled into the frame about a month ago, and it's been goin' hard ever since."

The sloth actually has only 25% the muscle tissue of other animals its weight. Which basically means that it’s strong enough to pick itself up and nothing else.

And just listen to this description: short, flat heads, big eyes, a short snout, tiny ears, and a stubby little tail. Doesn’t that just sound ugly? Honestly, if I were an animal, I would seek these out and kill them even if I wasn’t gonna eat them.

Don't you just wanna punch that fat head?

So at this point, they’re slow, weak, and ugly… let’s add ridiculously lazy to the list. Baby sloths usually hang onto their mother’s fur until they’re ready to go out on their own… I use the term “go out” loosely. And you know, it’s probably more likely that they just hang on until the mother dies, and even then a little bit longer because it’s impossible to tell when a sloth’s dead.

See?

Anyway. Sometimes the baby falls off, and while that in itself won’t kill it, the mother just doesn’t care enough to get out of her damn tree and pick up her kid. I will repeat that. The mother is too lazy to climb out of her tree and retrieve the fallen infant that is now lying helpless on the jungle floor. That is the single ghettoest thing I have ever heard about an animal, ever. Yet another reason it should be extinct by now.

Whoa, how'd this picture get here? It's not even relevant to the topic of things that shouldn't reproduce!

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2 responses to “How the hell are sloths not extinct yet?

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