Honey Badgers: the Opposite of Sloths

If you haven’t already checked out my post on why Sloths should be extinct, feel free to hit that up right here.

I basically discuss how sloths are slow, weak, and exceedingly ugly animals, and how they have no right to continue existing. But now, I’d like to dedicate a post to what is ostensibly the opposite of the sloth: the honey badger.

The honey badger, or “ratel” as it’s known in Afrikaans, actually has similar features to those of the sloth: small ears, a small, flat head, a short snout, and a short tail. And just like the sloth, it’s incredibly ugly. But while the sloth’s ugly just makes you wanna hit it until it goes away, the ratel’s ugly is more of a mean ugly, a touch-me-and-I’ll-kill-your-family ugly.

Whatchu lookin' at, bitch?

A ratel’s diet consists of rodents, birds, lizards, insects, tortoises, (poisonous) scorpions, (poisonous) spiders, (poisonous) snakes, bears, lions, sharks, small cities, large cities, and minor satellites. It also thoroughly enjoys bee larvae and honey (hence, honey badger), which it gets by walking up to a hive full of pissed-off African honey bees, screaming “I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES,” and just shoving its face into the delicious center of the colony. It totally ignores the swarm that’s stinging it repeatedly, which makes sense because its skin is tough enough to resist machetes, arrows, and spears.

And your pansy-ass can't even deal with one sting.

Ratels are also extremely territorial, to the point where they go after buffalo, wildebeest, jackals, and even lions… by tearing their balls off. Seriously. One moment, the king of the jungle steps too close to a ratel, the next moment, the ratel’s trotting away with the lion’s scrotum.

Taking "balls to the wall" to the next level.

Honey badgers are actually so feared in the animal kingdom, cheetah kittens are born with a skin pattern that mimics the honey badger’s to scare the hell out of potential predators. In other words, evolution itself has bowed down to the awesome power of this hardcore weasel-devil-thing.

Words can’t fully express the true demonic nature of the honey badger, so here’s a clip that I think aptly serves that purpose:

Just watch as the honey badger sees a snake eating a rat and goes, “Nice rat ya got there… give it to me.” So he just walks up and steals that shit. Out of the snake’s mouth. And then he decides to go and kill the snake because fuck him. The snake actually manages to bite him — it’s an incredibly venomous puff adder, and a badass in its own right, since it’s killed more people than any other African snake — and it appears as though the honey badger has succumbed to a horrible fate. Just kidding, he totally makes death his bitch by getting up, finishing the snake, and then moving on to flaunt his giant balls elsewhere.

 

Like a boss.

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